Author Topic: An American's View of Canada  (Read 24398 times)

Offline jbrough7

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An American's View of Canada
« on: May 30, 2006, 12:00:07 PM »
An American's View of Canada

(This editorial ran in the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette in August 2003)

It's not just the weather that's cooler in Canada: You live next door to a clean-cut, quiet guy. He never plays loud music or throws raucous parties. He doesn't gossip over the fence, just smiles politely and offers you some tomatoes. His lawn is cared-for, his house is neat as a pin and you get the feeling he doesn't always lock his front door. He wears Dockers. You hardly know he's there. And then one day you discover that he has pot in his basement, spends his weekends at peace marches and that guy you've seen mowing the yard is his spouse.

Allow me to introduce Canada. The Canadians are so quiet that you may have forgotten they're up there, but they've been busy doing some surprising things. It's like discovering that the mice you are dimly aware of in your attic have been building an espresso machine.

Did you realize, for example, that our reliable little tag-along brother never joined the Coalition of the Willing? Canada wasn't willing, as it turns out, to join the fun in Iraq. I can only assume American diner menus weren't angrily changed to include "freedom bacon," because nobody here eats the stuff anyway.

And then there's the wild drug situation: Canadian doctors are authorized to dispense medical marijuana. Parliament is considering legislation that would not exactly legalize marijuana possession, as you may have heard, but would reduce the penalty for possession of under 15 grams to a fine, like a speeding ticket. This is to allow law enforcement to concentrate resources on traffickers; if your garden is full of wasps, it's smarter to go for the nest rather than trying to swat every individual bug. Or, in the United States, bong.

Now, here's the part that I, as an American, can't understand. These poor benighted pinkos are doing everything wrong. They have a drug problem: Marijuana offenses have doubled since 1991. And Canada has strict gun control laws, which means that the criminals must all be heavily armed, the law-abiding civilians helpless and the government on the verge of a massive confiscation campaign. (The laws have been in place since the '70s, but I'm sure the government will get around to the confiscation eventually.) They don't even have a death penalty!

And yet ... nationally, overall crime in Canada has been declining since 1991. Violent crimes fell 13 percent in 2002. Of course, there are still crimes committed with guns - brought in from the United States, which has become the major illegal weapons supplier for all of North America - but my theory is that the surge in pot-smoking has rendered most criminals too relaxed to commit violent crimes. They're probably more focused on shoplifting boxes of Ho-Hos from convenience stores.

And then there's the most reckless move of all: Just last month, Canada decided to allow and recognize same-sex marriages. Merciful moose, what can they be thinking? Will there be married Mounties (they always get their man!)? Dudley Do-Right was sweet on Nell, not Mel! We must be the only ones who really care about families. Not enough to make sure they all have health insurance, of course, but more than those libertines up north.

This sort of behavior is a clear and present danger to all our stereotypes about Canada. It's supposed to be a cold, wholesome country of polite, beer-drinking hockey players, not founded by freedom-fighters in a bloody revolution but quietly assembled by loyalists and royalists more interested in order and good government than liberty and independence. But if we are the rugged individualists, why do we spend so much of our time trying to get everyone to march in lockstep? And if Canadians are so reserved and moderate, why are they so progressive about letting people do what they want to?

Canadians are, as a nation, less religious than we are, according to polls. As a result, Canada's government isn't influenced by large, well-organized religious groups and thus has more in common with those of Scandinavia than those of the United States, or, say, Iran.

Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty, lets 19-year-olds drink, has more of its population living in urban areas and accepts more immigrants per capita than the United States. These are all things we've been told will wreck our society. But I guess Canadians are different, because theirs seems oddly sound.

Like teenagers, we fiercely idolize individual freedom but really demand that everyone be the same. But the Canadians seem more adult - more secure. They aren't afraid of foreigners. They aren't afraid of homosexuality. Most of all, they're not afraid of each other.

I wonder if America will ever be that cool.

Offline Desolation Angel

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Re: An American's View of Canada
« Reply #1 on: May 30, 2006, 12:24:14 PM »
Quote from: jbrough7
...Canada signed the Kyoto global warming treaty...


Then failed to abide by it.  :stickpoke:   :beers:

But that's OK!  'Cuz there ain't no global warming.  We're on the way to the next Ice Age.  :wink:

Offline PaulVS

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #2 on: May 30, 2006, 12:27:57 PM »


Offline Desolation Angel

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #3 on: May 30, 2006, 12:36:12 PM »
He started it!

Offline jbrough7

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #4 on: May 30, 2006, 02:21:41 PM »
Hey!  I resemble that remark!

Offline Sven

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #5 on: May 30, 2006, 08:40:36 PM »
This American's view of Canada:  Nice location for a new shopping mall, Home Depot (please, no Home Hardware stores) and a Wal-Mart.  Plus a few gazillion "undocumented" Messicans.
2003 Suzuki Bandit 1200S | el Bandido de Cerceta | the teal bandit
2010 Yamaha FJR1300A | Gin Tama | the silver bullet
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Offline jbrough7

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #6 on: May 31, 2006, 10:33:33 AM »
From The World Book Encyclopedia Dictionary-----

shoop (shup) v. (U.S. slang) -  an action taken by a Canadian citizen in gaining vengeance on an American citizen when said American utters detrimental items about Canada: usually in the form of a 'slap' to the side of the head.
(Example)  That Canuck really shooped that guy, didn't he?  Watch out, man, or that Canadian's gonna shoop ya!!

Often a ringing in the ears is reported by Americans after they have been shooped.

 :grin:

Offline PaulVS

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #7 on: May 31, 2006, 11:09:54 AM »


Offline Sven

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #8 on: May 31, 2006, 02:55:07 PM »
Shoop defined from Wikipedia:  The sound a Canadian makes when he nothing to say and yet keeps on typing.
2003 Suzuki Bandit 1200S | el Bandido de Cerceta | the teal bandit
2010 Yamaha FJR1300A | Gin Tama | the silver bullet
2002 Honda CRV | the dirt-colored car

Offline jbrough7

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #9 on: May 31, 2006, 04:36:21 PM »
Quote from: PaulVS


AND POST HO'S ON THE LOCAL BBS!! :banana:  :banana:  :beers:  :beers:  :beers:  :beers:  :beers:

Offline Sven

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #10 on: May 31, 2006, 04:54:37 PM »
Quote from: PaulVS


+1 (or perhaps +100).
2003 Suzuki Bandit 1200S | el Bandido de Cerceta | the teal bandit
2010 Yamaha FJR1300A | Gin Tama | the silver bullet
2002 Honda CRV | the dirt-colored car

Offline jbrough7

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #11 on: May 31, 2006, 06:33:09 PM »
You know, I was going to say that Des and I together really are idiotic but when you join up the three of us are Einstein's (or maybe Seinfeld's) but now I'll be darned if I give you a compliment! :gatlin

Offline Sven

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #12 on: May 31, 2006, 06:36:15 PM »
Quote from: jbrough7
You know, I was going to say that Des and I together really are idiotic but when you join up the three of us are Einstein's (or maybe Seinfeld's) but now I'll be darned if I give you a compliment! :gatlin


Wouldn't I give you a compliment if you deserved one?  (Hey, somebody let me know if he ever does something that deserves complimenting.)
2003 Suzuki Bandit 1200S | el Bandido de Cerceta | the teal bandit
2010 Yamaha FJR1300A | Gin Tama | the silver bullet
2002 Honda CRV | the dirt-colored car

Offline jbrough7

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #13 on: May 31, 2006, 06:47:23 PM »
You never said one nice thing about my new helmet!

I remember Mother warning us about this when we were young.  You recall?  She said we would make our own way in life but then you would always be trying to prove yourself better than me but you just never can, can you??

You should give her a call - 666-9191 - Bates Motel......

Offline Sven

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An American's View of Canada
« Reply #14 on: May 31, 2006, 08:43:33 PM »
Quote from: jbrough7
You never said one nice thing about my new helmet!

I remember Mother warning us about this when we were young.  You recall?  She said we would make our own way in life but then you would always be trying to prove yourself better than me but you just never can, can you??

You should give her a call - 666-9191 - Bates Motel......


Stay off the Canadian Club!
2003 Suzuki Bandit 1200S | el Bandido de Cerceta | the teal bandit
2010 Yamaha FJR1300A | Gin Tama | the silver bullet
2002 Honda CRV | the dirt-colored car