The Big Mac with Techroline
San Francisco, CA - In an announcement that shocked fast food and oil industry analysts alike, McDonalds and Chevron announced a new hamburger that will reduce cholesterol and arterial blockage. The new product, the "Big Mac with Techroline", is expected to debut in all McDonalds restaurants shortly after receiving FDA approval. This represents the second major food additive announcement this year, the other being Proctor & Gamble's "Olestra".
Unlike Olestra, which is a substitute for fat, and cannot be absorbed by the body, Techroline is an additive that not only prevents fat from building up in the circulatory system, it may also reduce existing fat deposits. Olestra received FDA approval for inclusion in processed foods earlier this year, despite being cited for causing flatulence, intestinal bleeding, and inhibiting the body's normal intake of essential nutrients. Jack Sprat, a spokesperson for Chevron's CRTC research center indicated that "the Big Mac with Techroline is certain to be approved by the FDA, because it only causes two of the three health problems that Olestra causes". While David Kessler, the FDA Commissioner, could not be reached for comment, President Clinton, a fast food aficionado, was said to be impressed by the announcement.
Sprat also noted a side benefit of the Techroline additive "Techroline is the premier gasoline additive -- it prevents deposits from forming in your car's engine. As such, Techroline is composed of chemicals very similar to those in ordinary charcoal lighter fluid. It therefore imparts an odor and taste to food that is reminiscent of a backyard barbecue when your dad used too much lighter fluid." Sprat further explained, "Techroline will be actually be applied to the hamburger bun, not the meat because of bread's greater absorbency, and the importance of keeping this flammable additive away from cooking surfaces". In a related story, McDonalds announced that all of its restaurants will be designated as non smoking areas.
McDonalds and Chevron plan an aggressive advertising campaign to tout this new product. Speculation is that McDonalds will revive their old Big Mac ad with one minor modification: "Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickle, onion on a Techroline bun".